Love will Keep us Together

As I am sitting here writing this, my oldest is next to me writing sentences. "Sneaking is the same as lying." It's a flashback to childhood when I would have to write "I will not tell a lie" 100 times. I've only assigned her 10, and she's freaking out.

I have a theory that we have beautiful, amazing moments as parents. Those moments take our breath away and make the rest of the time completely worth it. Some of those beautiful moments become so etched in our memory they make it easier to forget the times in between. This moment, this isn't one of them.

Em has always been pretty well-behaved. She does well in school and her teachers tell me how sweet she is. She's coming out of her shell and loves making friends. And for the last 6 1/2 years she's been a very well behaved child. Cue first grade, and my rose colored glasses have been shattered into oblivion.

Suddenly everything I do as a mom isn't good enough. I'm "not fair, not fun, boring, mean, too bossy... blah blah " It's exhausting being such a horrible parent.

I hate discipline. It's my least favorite part of parenting. I think that we should all be happy and love each other all of the time. But we're human and it just doesn't happen. Instead there seem to be endless bickering arguments over really stupid stuff.

Today, the argument turned into me ignoring everything that came out of her mouth for fear I'd really lose my temper. We don't call each other names at home. We use silly names and kind names, but it's a rule that we never tell anyone they are stupid or ugly or dumb or anything of the sort. I like to think that if I've taught my kids anything, it's that being kind is the best way to solve problems.

So when Emmy started spewing insult after insult at me, I knew she learned it from her friends. And while she's really not very good at insulting me (she kept telling me I was a boy... her tone implied and insult, and I suppose I can see her logic... (0= ) the intention was still the same. That intention to hurt me with insults was both frustrating and, well, hurtful.

I already know tonight is going to be entertaining. Roy works nights and we usually pick a movie to watch together, since they don't have school. Not tonight. Tonight it's sentences, cleaning their room, a bath and straight to bed.

Part of me fears that this lesson will go unlearned. That despite how not-fun tonight is, she won't remember the lesson and we'll have this fight all over again. The same fear I had last time and the time before...

As I look over at her, I see her sneaking one last sentence onto her pencil-filled page: "Mom I'm Sory," (spelling error intentional). Maybe, maybe this moment will turn into one of the good ones.

Goodbye 20's, Hello 30's

In t-minus 36 hours, I’ll be 30 years old. Yikes! I’m leaving my 20s behind and part of me feels like I’m losing a good friend: my youth. By no means is 30 old but it feels very grownup to me and despite the fact that I’m married and have two kids, being even more grownup seems scary. I’m no longer a young adult. I’m officially, just an adult.

Gone are the days of being carded at the store when you buy cold medicine. Hello days of being addressed as ma’am.  I now understand why my mom detested being called ma’am; it feels so…so like my mom!

My 20s have arguably been the best 10 years of my life. I’ve accomplished quite a lot in the last decade including:

Visiting the ocean for the first time

Finding myself

Visiting New York City for the first time

Graduating college

Getting my driver’s license (yes in that order too…)

Getting married

Getting hired for my first REAL job

Having two babies

Buying my first car

Writing a novel

Becoming an aunt several times over

Going to Disneyland for the first time

Stuck out on my own as a freelance writer

Taken my oldest to her first and last days of kindergarten

I also accomplished a few not so good things including quite a bit of extra baggage that I’m trying to get rid of! As much as I’m terrified to turn 30 and as anticlimactic as it will probably be, I’m looking forward to getting a little bit wiser. Learning to accept things that are and forgetting about the things I cannot control.

I may not always make the right choices, sometimes I might worry a little too much about fitting into a mold and I may not always be cheery cherry. I’m pretty determined to make my 30s much more satisfying.

I won’t lie. It’s possible some tears will be shed and I’ve been a regular grouch over the past few days. Getting older scares me, mostly because I wonder if I haven’t done everything I could. It means I have less time to accomplish what I want to. And it’s getting harder to change. But it doesn’t mean I can’t.

As scared as I am, I had a minor glimpse of the possibilities. I can change. And while my kids are continuing to get bigger and it makes me sad, I also see the joy in their learning. I see how much fun we can and will keep having together.

As Roy and I get a little older and our bodies get a little slower, we find joy watching our kids hang from monkey bars like their arms are made of steel, flip through the grass like they are indestructible and dash about with the boundless energy of kids. There are days I’d like to feel that young again, that energized, that free. But, it’s at least as sweet watching my girls enjoy it.

Here’s to the next ten years. And the development of tropical storm Angela, due to erupt about 10 years from today when 40 looms over my head!