Thursday, January 20, 2011

The screwed up side of me

I figured something out today. I keep wondering why I don't lose weight, why I can't stick with the plans I make, why I keep failing before I even start. It's because I am afraid.
I am the type of person who thinks "when we are out of debt I'll be happy" or "when we move into a house I'll be more organized" or "when I'm skinny I'll feel good about myself." But what if I get skinny and I still don't like myself? What happens if I lose all of the weight and I still don't like me? What does that mean? While I am still fat I can always say, "When I get skinny...." If I get skinny and I'm wrong, what else am I going to have to fix?
I know this is completely messed up, but alas I never boasted to being perfect. I feel like if I can figure out this issue than maybe I'll be able to focus on losing weight.
It just seems like every time I think I am making progress I mess something up and then I get down on myself and just start eating or flopping around. So... if I can realize that I am a good person fat and all maybe my little mess-ups won't cause a spiral of defeat.

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